Mental Health and me -confessions of a serial writer.

I have always used writing as a way to cope and feel less anxious about current events in my life. It’s like once it’s on paper or these days on my phone, then it’s no longer playing in a loop in my head creating that monkey brain feeling. 

Every so often I come across something I wrote and it blasts me back to that exact time. There is no angst attached and much of what I read has already been completely forgotten and forgiven, however it always reconfirms for me that the simple act of writing it down is a release and a comfort. Most often I reread these scraps about a former me and a situation long ago resolved and discard them but sometimes I hold on to them just for the sheer exhilaration I feel at not only having survived, but having moved on with grace and dignity and largely forgotten those grievances and trials. 

It hasn’t always been that way. There have moments of hysteria and emotional outbursts, and trauma too great to merely subside of its own accord, so the palpable relief of writing has shown me, resilience can be learnt and relief can be achieved. 

I decided to publish this little gem, which I discovered on my phone when a recent update revealed documents I had thought were lost long ago. There is no need to date it and certainly no offence is intended. Quite the opposite, I can now feel proud that I never articulated any of these issues at the time but simply wrote a piece that was entitled “Time to Walk Away”. 

...........It was.......I did. 

 

“I don't want to have my work load increased by 25% by someone who freely admits they don't remember what my load is or doing it. 

 

I don't want to have to respond "I don't know," to students when they ask basic admin questions because so many decisions are made at the very last minute, behind closed doors and never informed to mere plebs. 

 

I don't want to meet deadlines for people who have no respect for my personal time. 

 

I don't want to be constantly told about teamwork while always being isolated from everyone and expected to work independently and then share. 

 

I don't have to feel like a leper.  

 

I don't want to be threateningly reminded about respect, sincerity and integrity without ever feeling I'm on the receiving end of any of them. 

 

I don't want to hear any more empty promises, be impacted by the double standards or have to tolerate those who only play lip service to what has been democratically agreed to. 

 

I don't want to sit through any more meetings with leaders who freely admit that they don't even remember what decisions were made. 

 

I don't want to write any more formal letters to request casual leave or permits or permission only to have to chase the recipient down to get a verbal approval at the eleventh hour. 

 

I don't want any more staff or students to TELL me that I am tutoring them English next term because they need to improve their language skills. 

 

I don't want to hear second hand that I don't smile enough when the person who says it, to a colleague not me, is a big part of the reason why. I smile at every kid I teach and they make me want to smile a lot of the time. Remember sincerity! 

 

I don't want to be told to take it lightly anymore ...... because I don't think that's what teaching is all about. I think you take it seriously and give it your heart and soul, and if you don't, just don't do it at all. 

 

And maybe I don't think I've got it in me to keep working this hard for five and a half days a week anymore. I can't do less so maybe I just won't do this anymore.”