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I was flattered to hear on the subway in New York, in a random conversation with a lawyer, quick to identify as such and therefore immediately making me wary, that she thought I was “idealistic”. Actually we both were.
Only later did the flattery take hold! Smooth talker. That was 2017 and before we actually retired in Cambodia but that was the plan we had been discussing.
Oh how things change.
Now, I have lost that idealism, nurtured over decades of commitment and passion and replaced it instead with realism. It’s gone forever but I’m not sorry.
I want to be here because here we actually get to live. It can be exhilarating.
Right here and right now, we need to live in the present. We can walk our own path and are still able to make our own decisions, face the challenges of daily existence, maybe even make a small difference in the lives of those around us and revel in the right to make our own choices about how we personally behave and live everyday - without the feeling of being regulated out of a lifestyle, we often experience at home.
Poor decisions, outright mistakes, accidents, dishonesty and distrust aside, living in the present and taking nothing for granted is still my choice. Most days are slow, simple and satisfying. Living with gratitude and making choices not leaving things to chance is a source of joy.
I don’t want to slot whatever time might be left into whatever space and conditions are available. I want to believe it’s still possible to bring about positive change and act in a way that exemplifies that belief.
Right now, the global situation is bleak with the heartbreak of the climate disaster manifesting and the war mongering and authoritarian takeover of whole nations increasing exponentially thereby worryingly confirming that this kind of power play is successful. It therefore seems to encourage ever more nations to attempt a bid for dominance over neighbours. Where is the voice of reason, capacity for negotiation and peace brokering I was always inclined to side with hiding? How can we as individuals stand up and start to bring into being the multicultural, moral and compassionate world we can be part of? Small, consistent and steadfastly repeated acts of resistance and rebellion are all that comes to my mind.
While the world moves backwards, stands still or ignores the physical, social, emotional and mental disasters that are unfolding, and the genocides in progress, it looks to me like aggression is the easier option and compassion has been lost.
No wonder there are days when I feel completely at odds! However, I’m still grateful to be right here, right now. To know that for the greater proportion of my time I feel comfortable in my own skin, living according to my own principals and also caring while facing the current realities no matter how they unfold, brings a level of calm and comfort.
This poem I recently read inspired me to write the above piece. Please feel free to add your own opinions and responses. Finally please let me stress avoid abuse and advertising. This is not the space for it and recently it has accelerated.
“Make peace with all the women
you once were.
lay flowers
at their feet.
offer them incense
and honey
and forgiveness.
honor them
and give them
your silence.
listen.
bless them
and let them be.
for they are the bones
of the temple
you sit in now.
for they are
the rivers
of wisdom
leading you toward
the sea.”
~ Emory Hall
i have been a thousand different women
